Daddy's Page On December 8, 2000 my daughter went home to be an angel in heaven. I've finally gotten to the point where I can accept her being with Christ, but the emotional roller coaster ride was one of the most difficult experiences of my life. My memories of that day are still so vivid. My biggest concern that morning started off being raking the leaves in our front lawn. It ended with my struggle to maintain emotional stability after learning that my little angel had died. It was so ironic, throughout our pregnancy I was so guarded toward the possibility of having a child; call it protective optimism. Granted, I didn't anticipate anything going wrong, but I'd prepared myself for the possibility that it might. That was until about four days before her birth and subsequent death. My wife had gone to the doctor and learned that she'd dilated 3 cm. Her examination went well and it was because of this that I finally decided to drop the guard I'd been carrying. I thought I'd finally be able to enjoy the birth of our child. Without word or warning I was blind-sided by the news that the child my wife and I had dreamed of was gone so soon. That she would be still born. I held her once, but only briefly. I knew the longer I held her the harder it would be to let her go. During the delivery, I remember my wife and I hoping that the heart monitor was wrong; that once out of my wife's womb Kaiya would cry and it would be the most beautiful sound we'd ever heard. Shortly after I learned of my daughter's death the questions began to arise. The one that stood out the most (and probably the most common asked by couples experiencing similar loss) was why? Why with all the people who have abortions, who mistreat and abuse their children; why did God take my angel! As I sat there experiencing the worst emotional pain I'd ever known, I asked why? I remember walking into that examination room and seeing my wife lying there, eyes red and full of tears. I knew immediately what had happened. I knew my life would never be the same. I tried not to get angry with God, and for the most part I did alright. Seeing my wife lying there in such agony was too much to bear. I began to question my priorities; "didn't I pray enough, praise you enough?" I thought, how could you do this to us? So many people choose not to serve you and you punish the ones that do? After Kaiya's death I didn't read my bible, didn't listen to gospel music; I didn't want to hear from God at all. Those feelings didn't last long. As the days passed, my anger subsided. Gradually I began to reopen my heart. Initially I didn't know if I would ever be able to trust God again. Then I let go of my anger long enough to hear a word from God: "I understand your pain, He said, I sacrificed a child as well." Those words helped me understand what it must have been like when God sacrificed Jesus for the world's sins. My baby girl was called to be an angel in heaven working with God to fulfill His promise. When I realized that she would always be in my heart, and that God was watching over her, it was less painful for me. Because she is in heaven I know I'll see her again. What I'm most thankful for is that she will never know the pain and cruelty of this world and that she knows everlasting joy that most people only dream of.